DAY TWENTY-FOUR

I’ve been back on 5-a-day for 2 and a half days now and my skin is a lot calmer. I still have stubborn patches on my arms and lower back though, and a new bit on my… beard line?! Also, my forehead is flaking again which is annoying. Still no eyebrow regrowth in sight.

I’ve been really conscious of what I’m eating; here are some of the things that seem to make me itch within half an hour and/or give me stomach pains:

• Orange & mango squash
• Orange juice
• Pepsi Max
• After Eights
• Nutella (I think my flare up last week may have been triggered by the fact that I absent-mindedly ate a quarter of a tub at my desk with a spoon)
• Cod fish cakes
• Beer, cider, wine, champagne, dark spirits
• Pineapple (also makes my tongue swell)
• Porridge Oats
• Cheerios – actually, most cereals
• Gluten free cheese crackers
• Nairn’s Gluten free biscuit breaks – especially the syrup version, but not the oat and raisin version

It’s looking to me like artificial sweeteners might be a problem for one… Damnit, I love artificial sweeteners! More to the point, they’re in almost all of my staple foods.

Anyway, I know what you’re here for: photos!

I’ve done some real funky collages with pics from Day One, today and somewhere in the middle. It’s easy to get disheartened when things go backwards until you look at where you came from.

In other news, I’ve had my first period in 5 years which either means my contraception has stopped working or my body has decided to kick itself back into gear. Interestingly, that feels like more of an over-share than the semi-naked body pics I’ve been posting for the last three and a half weeks. Has anyone ever found that eczema problems are linked to hormones? My very first patch of mild eczema started at 16, around the same time that I started taking the Pill… I have had breaks from contraception since then but can’t remember if it changed my skin or not.

DAY TWENTY-TWO

Yesterday I was naughty… I went to my friend’s birthday celebrations at the royal polo and wore a full face of makeup all day (and gawtdamnit I felt fantastic). Here’s a pic of me and my bestie Tom who will likely be a future patient of Dr Aron’s should my treatment work out well in the long term:

I expected only to wear makeup for a few hours but there were some Americans at the party who were too young to drink in the US so we decided it would be rude not to take them out for some legal drinking in London.

Then 5 hours of makeup turned into 16 hours of makeup and drinking throughout…

I had the time of my life but I’m quite flared today. The worst places are my arms, forehead and back, but again, this is nowhere near anything like I would have had previous to Dr Aron’s regime. Although it looks bad, it’s not really that itchy today.

My face is quite dry and red but that’s completely my fault as I missed half of my facial applications yesterday. Sort of worth it though for 24 hours of having a life back…?

I emailed Dr Aron about the increasing flares, and he’s told me to go back to 5 applications a day. It feels a bit like a disappointing step backwards, but I knew before I started that this process would have its ups and downs, and my poor skin has been through a lot. It’s really difficult to come to terms with the fact that as an independent 24 year-old I can’t do or go to certain things, especially when my friends are there lapping up the fun. Argggh, so many lifestyle changes!

DAY TWENTY

Last night was a success! I drank G&Ts all night and didn’t feel itchy at all. At one point my arms got a little hot but after 3 minutes of rolled up sleeves they felt normal again.

For the first time in months, the end of the night was dictated by the pain in my feet, not the pain in my skin. And for the first time in months, I was able to dance my arse off without the twisting feeling like an all-over Chinese burn.

Goddamnit, I’ve missed the dancing.

There was even a random gay man who felt the need to push his way back through the crowd just to tell me he thinks I’m beautiful. I felt like my old, confident self again!

I was fine in the morning, but by the afternoon I was pretty itchy on my arms and stomach, right on the waistline of my jeans (yes, I know you’re only supposed to wear 100% cotton but I refuse to go sight-seeing in my pyjamas). The bumps on my arms have spread and they’re reeeeeally irritating because they catch everything. I haven’t got these anywhere except my arms, although I’ve noticed a few stye-like bumps around one side of my face.

Looks a bit gross, eh?

I’ve been really tired all day due to going out until 4am, so this has inevitably made the itch worse.

I’ve opted for an early night because I’m getting really frustrated at trying to resist the itch so figure it’s easier mentally if I just zonk out into unconsciousness.

DAY NINETEEN

My skin is still a little rough and scaly following yesterday’s mini-flare, but my itch is virtually gone.

I emailed Dr Aron last night and got a reply this morning confirming that my bruising is most likely due to hard itching in my sleep. Apparently it’s not uncommon so I feel much more at ease about it now.

Tonight, I’m going to Brighton for a night on the lash so we’ll see how my skin copes with that. I’ve partied a lot less hard and frequently since January, mainly because by about 12am my skin is so irritated by whatever chiffony material fashion dictates I wear this season that the thought of 3 more hours on a sweaty dancefloor – drinking alcohol which I know contributes to my itch – makes me feel just a little bit shit.

It will be interesting to see how I get on tonight, and whether staying away from beer, wine and fruity cocktails is enough to keep my eczema at bay now that it’s mostly under control.

I washed and straightened my hair this morning in prep for tonight, and I’m marvelling at the fact that 8 hours later my hair is still dandruff-free. IT’S THE SMALL THINGS IN LIFE.

DAY EIGHTEEN

Hmmm, I feel as though things are heading backwards again.

I’m only just starting to work out my triggers (when your skin is covered in angry red rashes all the time, coming in contact with a trigger will go unnoticed, but when your skin is clear a triggered reaction is glaringly obvious), and something evidently wriggled into my day yesterday that my body didn’t like.

My GP won’t refer me for a food allergy test (patch test for non-food allergens came out totally negative) because he says there’s no link in the literature he’s read between eczema and food. However, the more I read, learn from other sufferers and observe in myself, the more I think that that could possibly be a fat load of bull. I’m compiling a food diary – I always thought they were silly, but it’s strange how you don’t notice connections until you begin to log your food and symptoms. I also experience symptoms in my gut which I never realised were as routine as they are on the daily.

I’ve tried reducing high-histamine foods like chocolate and tomato, cutting out dairy (rice milk is uh-mazing) and most alcohols (especially red wine and beer, but I’m allowing myself white spirits as they don’t make me itch as badly). I also tried to embark on a gluten-free lifestyle and stocked up on lorry-loads of free-from foods, but my body isn’t a fan of something in them as most of the foods I bought result in me almost doubled over with cramps before I even finish eating.

So anyway, I’ve come into contact with something that was definitely a trigger for me yesterday. I’ve had a proper scratch at my legs and upper body isn’t looking as clear anymore (although nowhere near the severity of flares I used to get). On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst I’ve ever had, I’d give this a 2.

In fact, I’ve just taken some pictures of my arm and belly and I can’t believe it’s got to the point where I’m actually making a fuss about this:

I’m also finding that where I’ve itched but not managed to break the skin, I’m getting fat-ass bruises. Is it possible that I’m itching hard enough to bruise?! Really?!?! Someone tell me I’m wrong.

DAY FOURTEEN

My skin is healing so much that the amount of emollient I’m putting on the healthy skin is giving me spots.

I have spots all over my body and I’m happy about it. Yes indeed.

To get rid of the staph infection effectively I have to keep putting the cream on areas that used to have eczema, even if healthy now. Luckily for me, 80% of my body was covered so I don’t have to worry too much about getting it on skin that was always healthy from the start…

I’m finding it more difficult to resist scratching the pustules and keep breaking the skin on them. Also, last night I woke up scratching in the night for the first time in a week. Still, most of me is clear and I feel like this is manageable.

DAY ELEVEN

Life is good! I’m down from 5 applications of Dr Aron’s cream a day to 4 now.

My skin is still clear apart from my forehead and the itchiness on my legs. I’ve found I’m getting pustules on my forearms and forehead which are irritating but not a particularly new thing for me. Dr Aron has told me to put calamine lotion on them before using the cream – I wish I’d heard about calamine lotion before now, it does wonders for the itch! Saying that though, my itch is still a lot more superficial than it used to be, so perhaps the old itch would have been too deep for it to make much of a difference.

Here is a blurry example of what I think is a cluster of pustules; the annoying thing about them is that without them I don’t think my upper body would have a single itch at all.

Yesterday, the itchiness was so minor that I forgot about my 12pm application of cream until 4pm. I’m not sure non- sufferers or parents of sufferers would fully understand the gravity of this!

I no longer feel self-conscious when not wearing make up. My face is nowhere near as clear as a normal person’s as eczema has left my tan patchy (olive tone really doesn’t help here), I’m still scabby on my head and the bags under my eyes are going to take more than a week to get rid of. However, I feel like I can talk to people and actually make eye contact without feeling like they’re staring at my skin now.

Prior to starting Dr Aron’s treatment, the last time I went out with no make up on was a quick trip to Argos to pick up a duvet that I pre-ordered to avoid being in public for too long. The security guard followed me around the store to have a closer look (I mean seriously, how is it even possible to steal anything from Argos?!) and a middle-aged man stared so much (despite me trying – and failing – to hold his gaze) that I ended up crying all the way home.

A common theme in this blog seems to be me in tears, so I feel like I need to highlight that I’m not a massive crybaby and am normally fairly good at bottling things up in good old English fashion. These last few months of sleeplessness, constant pain and downright despair have ground me down to a point where even talking about eczema could have me on the brink of a meltdown. Such is the way when your body’s largest organ fails to properly function…

DAY SEVEN

Wow, what a difference a week makes. I feel like my life is back on track.

Today I wore a crop top and short-shorts. Last week the idea would have been impossible.

My itch is subsiding most places, but I’ve found (as I expected) that as the staph infection is being fought in the areas of my skin where it’s been holidaying for a while, it’s fleeing the antibiotic and turning up elsewhere on healthy skin. As a result, I’m getting super-itchy in places that have never had eczema before. More bearable than the deep itch, but still irritating.

But hey, I’ve had far more than my normal average of 15 hours sleep in the last 3 days; can I really complain?!

I can move all my joints without wincing; I can concentrate at work; I can think about life and smile; I can have sex without clothes on and feel like one goddamn attractive mofo.

My boyfriend is in awe of my new skin; we got together days before this flare started so he’s never really seen me with clear skin.

My family get daily updates and my mum cries with joy every time. The last time I saw her in person, she got upset because I was upset but she didn’t know where she could put her arms to hug me when everything looked so sore.

HERE ARE SOME PHOTOS FOR YOU LOVELY PEOPLE:

OOSSSSCHHHH.

DAY FOUR

GUESS WHAT?!

LAST NIGHT I ONLY BLOODY WENT AND SLEPT THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH TO THE MORNING!

This hasn’t happened since January. I cannot express how much joy I am feeling at such a simple thing that most toddlers achieve on a daily basis. I am 24 years old.

I went to work with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. My entire extended family has been duly informed.

My skin is still extremely dry (but not as flaky anymore) and it kind of hurts Chinese-burn-style to extend my arm because the skin is so tight. However, I was right about the baby skin; it’s definitely coming through! I feel so lovely and smooth! Take a look at some pics, which I am considerably more excited to show you than on day 1…

Also great news – I had my first painless shower in months this morning. Hear that: I had a shower and it didn’t make me sob. I was also able to pat myself dry with a towel and did not burst into tears. I’m not sure I can put into real life words how incredible it feels to be able to say that.

Dr Aron is my hero. Maybe I’m part of the nutty hippie cult now.

DAY THREE

Today was my first day at work without make up. Deep breath.

I timed it wonderfully so that my first meeting happened to involve the entire company. I’d rather everyone see my warped face at once and only have to endure an hour of shock than to relive that moment 45 times in various hallways throughout the week.

I feel ugly and vulnerable, but also weirdly entitled. Entitled to whinge, as I have done the last few weeks, and not be seen to be unduly complaining because I’m no longer trying to hide the damage my eczema has done with coats of foundation and crafty eyeliner to reconstruct any semblance of symmetry. I’m almost glad people see me this way before it (hopefully) heals so that they know what I’ve been through. So many people misunderstand eczema as ‘just a bit of dry skin’ (there is little more annoying than having to react nicely when someone asks “Have you tried, like, moisturising it?” No, I’ve just been sat here in agony, wondering if a £2 bottle of E45 could cure me, but it just seemed like too much effort, really).

My skin does look more clear, but it’s dry. Sooooooo dry. I’m flaking everywhere, which I hope is the old, shit skin shedding off so that new baby skin can come through. Please please please. I can wipe my arm gently and watch the scales fall off. Guess I’ll be continuing to wear long sleeves, then.

Last night I had a super-dig and managed to rebreak the skin that had been trying to heal. It’s almost as though the healing together has made the skin tighter, and that tightness makes it easier to scratch in ways that it hasn’t before – it normally resembles more of a fat graze than an actual scratch. I look as though I’ve been in a fight with a cat:

But overall I’d say my arms were looking much less aggressive; here’s a before and after pic for day 3:

It doesn’t look that impressive until you zoom in onto the inside of my elbow…

I’m still itchy, but it’s less of a deep itch. ‘Deep itch’ is the perfect way to describe eczema because it feels as though you have to rip off the top layers of the skin to get to the itchy part. I suppose a good way to think of it would be to imagine your muscle itching under your skin. Even when the skin has long been scratched away and you’re digging into your bare flesh, the itch is still there. Pain doesn’t register until after you’ve stopped.

Last week, I got so into my scratching that I tore away enough of the insides of both arms that I couldn’t bend them even an inch. I had to ask my boyfriend to apply emollient to them (both of us wincing) and slept with my arms leant against the wall behind my head, elbows locked. What is this life?!

DAY ONE

I began my treatment with Dr Aron this morning, and have now put on 3 applications out of 5 for the day.

No major differences really, but I wasn’t expecting a miracle cure.

My current skin situation is:

Weeping from my face and the entire surface of my neck every night. I wake up stuck to my pillow. I now take my own pillow whenever I stay with friends after my boyfriend’s stepmum saw a pillowcase I’d put in the washbin and asked if someone had vomited on it.

Uncontrollable scratching. On the plus side, it’s increasing my flexibility; I know for a fact that there is not a single inch of my back that I cannot stretch to. I look gross when I scratch in meetings, restaurants and on public transport. Once I start, I can’t stop. It sounds horrible, and my fingernails are constantly dirty from dead skin.

Snowstorms. I can walk into a room and turn Spring back into Winter with a single shake of my head. I can’t wear dark clothing, not even on my legs as the chunks of dry skin are big enough to be obvious when dispersed. My car is a mobile skin cemetery. The other day I got out of the shower and burst into tears when I realised I already had what would be classed as an unhygienic level of dandruff.

Blood everywhere. Every morning, I have to peel my pyjamas off of my skin from where it’s stuck by scabs.

Chronic lack of sleep. It’s not insomnia; I can get to sleep, I just can’t stay asleep because I scratch so hard I wake myself up and then get caught in the cycle again. My boyfriend is therefore also suffering from a lack of sleep, and I’m not entirely sure why he still wants to share a bed with me. I haven’t had more than 5 hours disjointed sleep in a night since January. I’m tired and lethargic at work but am worried that people just think I’m unenthusiastic.

Clothes are a struggle. Last month, I had to call into work and ask for 2 days at home because it hurt too much to wear clothes. I need to wear long-sleeved tops but I can never seem to buy enough and looking smart and/or stylish at work whilst wearing 100% cotton is close to impossible.

Half a set of eyebrows. Thanks to having eczema on my forehead, both of my eyebrows finish an inch too soon. Sometimes I can draw them back on, but often the skin is weeping so no make up will stick. The hair on my head falls out in patches.

Constant pain. Even tiny movements hurt as it rips the skin further. I can’t turn my head fully because the skin on my neck is so dry and cracked that it’s excruciating. I can’t shower or bathe without crying because it stings so much. For the last few weeks, I’ve been washing my hair bent over the tub and then jumping in for a quick body wash so that I can avoid the sting on my body for the whole time it takes to shower. My sex drive is waning as my skin gets hypersensitive to his touch and I feel less sexy than that time I got food poisoning and didn’t know which end of my body I should aim at the toilet and which at the bath.

I don’t think I’m being melodramatic in saying I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a normal life.

Photo time. I know you’ve been looking forward to this. You’ve probably scrolled down and skipped the words just to see this. Here’s my body in full glory in a variety of lighting (and no, you can’t see my boobs)…