A major issue with my condition and its lack of ability to heal has been my OCD.
Diagnosed in primary school, I used to suffer from severe, repetitive tics, but as I’ve grown older I’ve found that it only rears its ugly head when I’m tired or stressed.
Enter eczema.
The lack of sleep and stress from my latest flare up has made it more difficult to muffle what’s going on in my brain, and I realised only very recently that half my itching isn’t actually because I’m itchy; it’s scarily habitual.
I first noticed it on a plane coming back from Dubai. Spread awkwardly across one-and-a-half seats, I was unable to catch any real sleep, but during my drifting in and out I was able to get a glimpse of my unconscious scratching habits.
The scratches go in fours. Once done, I move onto the next patch, regardless of whether that’s itchy, damaged or healthy skin. And the next patch. And the next. Then I start again. If, whilst scratching the non-itchy bit of skin, I trigger a real itch and have to scratch it, I then have to scratch all the other patches equally. If I break this pattern, the mental itch from the compulsion is more uncomfortable than the physical itch from the skin. Sounds stupid, eh?
Stupid or not, this has been the pattern subconsciously controlling my life for the last however many weeks, and its for this reason that there is no way my skin could have begun to heal without a near-miracle cure to allow me to get my head in the right space first.
19 days into Dr Aron’s treatment, I’m no longer overly tired, and my scratch patterns have almost disappeared. I still itch in fours, and I still find myself looking for things to pick at (I suspect some mild dermatillomania is at play here – I have had compulsions to pick at dead skin during times of stress or boredom for as long as I can remember, and I’m almost a little disappointed that Dr Aron has taken my never-ending source away from me?!).
Had I not broken the cycle of sleeplessness and distress, I would probably have scratched my skin down to the bone.
Update: 10 weeks in, I’ve found that my itch patterns are now non-existent unless I stay up too late and get tired. However, I do still pick at things, and I’ve realised that I still have the same need for tics but in different channels, so for example I ‘shudder’ my right wrist and hand constantly throughout the day, to the point of developing mild RSI. Guess I’ll never beat that part of my brain!
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